You know you are old if these describe you: You’re asleep but others worry that you’re dead.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You no longer laugh at Preparation H commercials.
The only reason you’re awake at 4 A. M. is to go pee for the fourth time during the night.
The pharmacy gives you a volume discount.
8 a.m. is your idea of “sleeping in.”
People call you at 8 p.m. and ask: “Did I wake you?”
Digestion is a consideration when reading a menu.
You have to pee so bad you think you are going to go cross eyed. When you finally get to the toilet all that comes out is a tinkle. When you put it back in your pants the rest comes out like a slow river that cannot be stopped. Repeat every hour on the hour except bed time when it is every other hour.
Nobody ever tells you to slow down.
You forget what you went shopping for so you make a list. The next time you go shopping you forget the list at home.
You need the leaf blower to blow out your birthday candles.
Someone breaks wind and you don’t laugh. You hope for their sake it is not a wet fart.
When you talk about “good grass”, you’re referring to someone’s lawn and wonder why the fool kids keep on talking about smoking it.
Soaking your feet in Epsom Salts borders on an erotic experience.
Your ears are hairier than the top of your head.
Your idea of the perfect nightcap is Metamucil.
Good sex is something you can only dream of because your love soldier cannot stand at attention anymore
You know you are alive when you wake up because dead folks do not feel pain all over their body
And finally, every day, you are looking forward to going to your Heavenly home more and more because life here on this planet is getting too crazy for you.
My question is: what idiot thought up the saying: your elder years are your best years?